Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy

Peace and quiet are two things that do not exist in my life.  I have felt the weight of that recently and I am grieving that loss.  Please don't get me wrong, I am so very grateful for the blessings in my life.  I have a healthy family and a roof over my head, which is more than most of the people in this world.  That's why I feel horribly guilty for throwing myself a pity party, whining, and grieving over the things I don't have.  I have friends and family that have experienced monumental losses and challenges, and yet they continue to put one foot in front of the other and trudge on ahead with humility and grace.  Yet here I am having my own little breakdown about how hard things are.  I apologize and I am embarrassed.  I have tried to find an outlet to talk about how I "feel" but the words never come out the right way.  I know in my head the feeling, but can't verbalize the intensity of it.  It comes out like a complaint.  I hate listening to people complain.  I hate hearing myself complain yet here I am. 

If I write it down I can at least delete the sentences that sound flat out stupid.  I can spell check.  I rearrange and reread everything until I get it right.  Can't do that when the spout of tears and frustration run over and I am trying to tell somebody out loud how I feel.  So I am going to be brutally honest and say whats on my heart in written word. 

I have such fear of being laughed AT by other people.  To compensate for that I make fun of myself so that instead of other people laughing AT me without me knowing it, I am at least giving them the permission to laugh at me.  It is an easier blow.  For the most part, all the stuff my kids do is pretty hysterical.  They really are comical geniuses.  They say crazy things, do crazy things and in general are proud of how crazy they behave.  I, on the other hand, am officially crazy.  Like medicated crazy.  Like have to see a psychiatrist crazy because otherwise I would have to be committed.  Maybe it is the crazy hormones that your body creates when you are pregnant with 4 different kids; maybe it is the constant environment of crazy that I live in that has just pushed me over the edge; maybe it is this or that or nothing/anything at all.  All I can say is that it is hard to find solid ground.

The ADD/OCD that pulses through my body makes my head buzz with noise all day long even when there is no one around.  It is like you are at the library trying to study because that is the only place that is quiet and the person next to you is smacking their gum.  You can't concentrate on anything else because the noise that person is making is all you can hear.  Your frustration level builds and makes the noise louder and louder until you think you are going to lose your mind.  That is how it is on a regular day when nothing else is even going on.  Add to that the noise that four kids and three dogs create and it is enough to make your head explode.  As I type this right now, the news is blaring on the TV, my two youngest boys are playing army guys in the other room and are making plane, car, and exploding noises, and my oldest dog who has laryngeal paralysis (which basically means that she sounds like an emphysema patient on their last day of life) is lying on the floor near my feet breathing like a hacksaw.  I am so overstimulated, but I am trying desperately to put my thoughts together to get this written.  

I knew I was like this before I had kids, but I didn't know how hard it would be to be a parent down the road.  God chooses you to be a parent to the specific children He gives you for reasons only He knows.  I must have some quality that He saw fit to be able to care for these four beautiful human beings, but there are days when I think He had no idea what He was doing.  That might be something I have to take up with Him when I am standing at the pearly gates (hopefully).  In the meantime I am trying to take on this challenge He gave me.  Most days I fail, but every once in a while I have a small success.  That is the only thing that makes me want to continue to try again the next day.  On the days I fail I cry to my husband about how bad I suck and how hard everything is.  He is so damn logical and such a problem solver.  It makes me crazy (ok, more crazy than I already am)!  His train of thought...doing something the same way over and over and expecting different results is the definition of what?  I-N-S-A-N-E...duh, look who you are speaking to.  What else would you expect from me?  I tell him that changing how I parent the kids is so hard and I don't know if I can do it.  He says that until I am ready to work through the pain (the intensity to which my children will react to a new way of parenting/discipline) nothing will change.  Grrrr!  I don't like that he is right.  

I know that I am not a bad parent, but I do have more of a nurturing personality than a drill sergeant personality.  That's good for some families, but for my family with having four kids, three of them being highly active boys, we need the drill sergeant.  So here in lies the problem that contributes to the chaos of our house.  If I continually parent as a nurturer, knowing that style of parenting does not change things, I must thrive on the chaos.  Well, Dr. Cyndi, you have hit the nail on the head. Chaos for me is a distraction from dealing with real issues.  Take away the chaos and I am really scared about what I would find.  I might not like it.  I might not be able to fix it.  I might fail.  I am terrified of failing.  This makes absolutely no sense because I feel like I am always failing doing things the way they are now.  Why am I scared of doing things a different way and failing?   I HAVE NO FREAKING IDEA!!!

Now that I have gotten through my "Deep Thoughts By Jack Handy" moment, I will give you permission to laugh at me.  Lately it seems like every single time I turn around there is some kind of waterfall of disaster happening somewhere in the house.  I can't get the first fire put out before the second fire occurs.  It is funny but also incredibly frustrating.  Maybe someday I will be zen enough to find the peace and quiet I so desperately need, but...

 ...probably not.